By the time the Red Home was over the open sea the injured passengers were getting medical treatment. The ship's small medical bay was packed full of the injured and their caretakers. Mike lay on the examination table, still unconscious, while Lenka and Thayer percolated in their bacta tanks. Cheriss and Fes tended to Vartan's leg, setting and splinting it while Crowe watched. Noreh stood over Mike's bed, holding his limp hand in hers. Becki stared mutely at Thayer's bacta tank. Kristy beside her with a comforting arm wrapped around the future queen's shoulders. Sci and Raymond waited outside the cramped room, neither speaking but neither consciously avoiding it.
The only people to escape the chaos were Brad, who had taken Noreh's place in the cockpit, and Josh in the cargo bay staring at the deck. When Iraq was behind them he slumped into one of the mesh benches that lined the cargo bay and tried to count the scratches in the deck between his feet. The mission was over and technically a success, but he took little comfort from that. The price had been too high and too many questions remained unanswered. Too many wrongs needed righting
He'd learned the hard way that an apology and a promise to do better weren't enough to win back lost trust. He'd finally convinced his teammates that he wasn't a psycho with a death wish, and then he'd thrown it all away by being...well, by being himself. The worst possible version of himself. It would be twice as hard to gain their trust back.
His best option now was to keep to himself and do his job. Help his friends whenever and however he could. Stay out of their way, for the most part. Work quietly, live quietly, try not to bother anybody. Find an apartment in Mendel City and get out of Thayer's palace so he wouldn't be a constant reminder of these times. If Sci dismissed him from Terra Group... Home wasn't an option. France maybe? The apartment in Paris was leased in his name for a few more weeks. That would give him time to choose his next destination.
His eyes found one of the scrapes in the deck and the engines' vibration came back to him and he was back in the present. He looked around the cargo bay at the X-wings and the TIE Defender, aware for the first time in months how strange it was that these things actually existed. He let out a long sigh and thought, Life will never be simple again.
Thinking over the escape from Sahhar's base, Josh wondered why his lightsaber hadn't worked. He took it from its holster and unscrewed the emitter housing. Both the external and internal parts of the emitter appeared to be in perfect working order. He turned the pommel upside down over his left hand to remove the crystal and a fine blue powder poured out. A powder the same color as the crystal he'd built into the lightsaber. He flipped the saber over and looked into the crystal housing, but the crystal was gone. What was left of it spilled from the palm of his hand onto the toe of his boot.
What could destroy a lightsaber crystal? he wondered.
There was already a surplus of lightsabers on the team. He would return Mike's soon, and he couldn't bring himself to use Vickie's. He wouldn't dream of wielding Sahhar's again. There was no way around it – his lightsaber was dead until he could replace the crystal.
Some Jedi I am. Can't even keep my lightsaber working for more than a couple of weeks. He reassembled the lightsaber in disgust.
"Trouble with your lightsaber?" asked a voice from nearby. Josh looked up to find Sci coming from the direction of the medbay.
"Oh, nothing major," he said, dropping the rest of the blue powder onto the deck. "Maybe I wasn't ready for it anyway. Is everyone okay?"
"Fine. There's nothing physically wrong with Mike-"
"I've always said it was all in his head," Josh said with a weak smile.
"-and Thayer's concussed and has a broken leg and some burns, but they'll both recover. Lenka's unchanged." He watched Josh's reaction to his last news very closely, but the only response was a heavy sigh. "So, what happened down there?"
Josh thought of not answering him, of just pretending he hadn't spoken at all, but he had too much soldier in him to ignore his commanding officer. Instead he stalled for a second by standing up and looking out the view port again. The Red Home was still climbing on it suborbital course back to Mendellia. Outside the dark blue of the upper atmosphere crawled by the window. The blackness of space waited just above. After a long moment he said, "We found a cavern down there full of Imperial equipment. Walkes, TIEs, troop transports...you name it, it was in there. It was huge, Sci. Carved out of solid rock. And packed to the ceiling with war machines.
"Mike and I suspected it was an invasion force, and a stormtrooper we captured confirmed it. We set charges on the columns supporting the ceiling to bury it under a million tons of rock. We were almost done when Sahhar showed up. I didn't see Mike again until it was over, but I could hear him. Sounded like he was fighting Hierce. Anyway, Sahhar was trying to goad me, trying to make me mad enough to use the dark side. He wanted me to join him, become a Sith and help him take over our world. I kept having these visions. Anger, violence, war..."
"The dark side," Sci said.
"Some of them, but some weren't. There were good ones, too. Peaceful times when everyone was happy. They helped me resist the dark visions.
"Sahhar was tricky with his lightsabers. Mike said his saber was double bladed, but that wasn't the half of it. The hilt split in two and the blades' length varied, so every few minutes I was facing a different weapon."
"How did you defeat him?"
"I took one of his sabers away. I pinned his other blade to the ground so he couldn't stop my last strike. It sliced through his neck like there was nothing there." Silence fell for a moment before he continued. "Then he just...exploded."
"Exploded?"
"It was like every molecule in his body came apart at the same time. Like when the Emperor died on the Death Star."
"Or when C'baoth's clone died on Wayland."
"Exactly. Anyway, I'm hoping that holocron I grabbed can give us some clue where he came from since the Sith are supposed to be extinct. Speaking of which, did you-?"
"It's safe."
"Good. One thing that confused me - Sahhar said that he was the 'child of the dark side,' whatever that means. I wonder if the holocron can shed any light on that."
"When did he say that? What was the context?"
"Oh," Josh said, not having thought through things before bringing up that part of the duel. "It was when I suggested that he become my apprentice."
"You what?"
"He was doing everything he could to throw me off balance and distract me. I wanted to return the favor."
"So you weren't serious."
"No. Well, if I could have turned him to the light side..."
"Josh, you're not Luke Skywalker. You don't have the training or the experience for that, and it was dangerous to try. The only reason Luke managed it was his personal connection to Darth Vader. You didn't have that with Sahhar."
"I know. I didn't really expect it to work anyway."
"We have the recording from your comm unit and I'll be reviewing it when we get home. In the meantime, congratulations. There aren't many novice Jedi who could defeat a Sith lord."
"Thanks, but I think it's pretty clear Sahhar wasn't a fully trained Sith lord like Vader or Maul."
Sci considered the comment for a moment but didn't respond. Instead, he said, "Josh, I need to know what's happening between you and Becki."
Josh was clearly expecting another question about Sahhar because he turned suddenly to look at Sci. "I... I thought you would have heard the story from everyone else by now."
"I have, but I'd like to hear your version of it. I get the feeling nobody's heard your side."
Josh snorted. "You're right about that," he said. "Sci, I never wanted to come between Becki and Thayer. I never meant for any of this to happen at all."
"So why did it?" Sci prompted.
"You know- you spend a lot of time with someone and feelings get stirred up. I guess I've always been attracted to her. Who wouldn't be? She's so smart - I love intelligent women - and beautiful, and so very sweet. But she was Thayer's fiancée, and that was that. Then this mission came along and put us together far away from Thayer, and no matter how hard I fought it I felt that attraction getting stronger. We were good friends before the mission, and we were comfortable together, so we spent a lot of time together. In Paris we were rarely apart. And our cover story didn't help matters."
"Honeymoon?" Sci asked.
"Yeah. And I didn't say it first. I wouldn't say it, even after Vickie started it. But then Becki said I got more comfotable with it. I couldn't help imagining what that would be like. We kept ending up physically close to one another. I caught her when she jumped from a fire escape, and we fell asleep on the couch together one night. The she slipped off the edge of a fountain. That was when we kissed."
"The kiss Thayer saw?"
"There was only one. That's the worst part. It's caused all this anger and suspicion, and yet Thayer saw all there ever was to see. It didn't start off the way it ended up, either. It was like Corran and Erisi on Coruscant. She slipped on the edge of the fountain and I caught her, like I said, but then I looked over her shoulder and saw John Wells, and he started to look my direction. We were already close, so I kissed her to keep Wells from seeing us."
"And that's when Thayer and Lenka arrived?"
"Yeah, but we didn't know it at the time. The kiss was only supposed to last a second, but when I kissed her, she kissed me back, and it just kept going. Neither one of us tried to pull away. Unfortunately Thayer decided to come to Paris to try to work out the problems in their relationship, and that was when he found us. Too bad he didn't stick around long enough to hear Becki threaten to slap me..."
Silence fell for a few seconds before Josh spoke again in a voice tinged with exhaustion. "Looks like I've already managed to destroy my new life."
"I wouldn't say that. You owe quite a few apologies, and you may find it difficult to win some people over. It may be a while before you're fully accepted again."
"I know," Josh said softly. "I don't blame them."
"It would be best to leave it alone tonight. Let everyone get a good night's sleep when we return. I'm afraid no matter how good your intentions apologies would only make things worse right now."
"Yeah, I know. I was also thinking maybe I should take some time off. Get some separation from everything that's happened until I get better control over myself. Besides, I think everyone could use a break from me right now." Josh said.
"And you from them. I'm no Jedi, but it seems clear to me that you've been treading dangerously close to the dark side recently. I think everything that's happened to you is related: your conflicts with your teammates, allowing yourself to be carried away with your attraction to Becki, losing control of your temper so frequently. I don't think it's a good idea for you to go back to your normal duties as though nothing happened. You're right, you need some time away to rest and regain your perspective."
"I don't like saying this because I feel like this job is all that I have left. It's my last chance to make something of my life."
"You can't put that kind of pressure on yourself forever, Josh. You have to get away from it from time to time."
"I don't know where to go. I haven't taken a vacation in years. Normally I'd go visit my parents, but the way things are for me at home now..." He left the thought unfinished. Sci knew what he'd given up to become part of Terra Group. "Somewhere quiet and peaceful, like a mental hospital or a monastery," he said with a chuckle.
"I think I know the perfect place," Sci said. "It's a little bit of both..."