I was already in the elevator wearing my running shoes and a comfortable old sweatsuit before it occurred to me. What am I doing? I've walked or run all the way across Paris and back today. My legs are sore. I don't feel like I have the energy to walk back to my room and collapse on the bed.
But I'm angry. Far too angry to sit around in that pressure cooker of an apartment waiting to blow up again. With Vickie gone the only ones left in the apartment were Becki, Mike, and the droids, and for sure none of them had done anything to deserve what they'd likely get if I stayed. No, for now getting out of the apartment and using up the angry energy that was making me jittery was the best idea.
I reached the ground floor and headed out into the night. The bitterly cold air gave me a moment's pause, but letting that chase me back inside would solve nothing. Instead I reached out to the Force to banish my fatigue and set off at an easy pace. I knew if Vickie was here she would chastise me for using the Force when I was this angry. That can only lead to the Dark Side, she'd say.
The hell with Vickie. I'm sick of listening to her spout off crap at me that she knows no more about than I do. She's no Master, and she sure as hell knows nothing about me. She thinks I don't believe? She has no idea what I believe! Half the time I don't know what I believe, and she's never shown signs of giving a damn enough to try to find out. Where does she get off yelling at me about believing?
I believe in the Force, but then, I don't have much of a choice about that. I can reach out and touch it and feel it wrapped around me like a blanket. It's always there, obeying and directing, though I much prefer when it obeys. I believe in the Force because you can't deny something you can feel as surely as I could feel the pavement beneath my shoes.
But there were other things I believed in, things I was raised to believe, that you couldn't touch as easily as I could the Force. Things that were largely matters of faith. Maybe that was what held me back from making as much progress with my Jedi training as Vickie. I found it impossibly hard to reconcile the two. Genesis doesn't exactly say "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth and the Force." How can you have faith in the Force and in God at the same time? I believed in one because I always had and could point to specific times in my life that made me believe, and I believed in the other because it was impossible to deny. But would believing in one make me weaker in the other?
I pushed that thought aside for the time being. I'd worked on it for more than a year and hadn't yet found an answer. Maybe it's something I should discuss with Becki some time. She'd probably have an interesting perspective on it. And anyway, that wasn't what Vickie was saying I didn't believe. She meant that I didn't believe Crispy was alive.
And she's right about that. I don't believe it. We saw him lying there dead with our own eyes. What's not to believe? It's simply a matter of fact. I know Vickie doesn't want to accept it. I'd really like not to myself, but when it's staring you in the face like that you'll do more harm than good by choosing not to believe it. This mission's in enough trouble without people going off on flights of fancy. I've got one agent dead and another missing. Two more who aren't speaking to each other.
Why did Sci put me in charge of this mission anyway? Vickie and Josh are both senior officers, and she's a stronger Jedi. I know that's probably another source of tension between us. I've tried not to rub it in that I'm in command. I've tried to listen to everyone and make the mission a group effort. Obviously I'm not doing a very good job of it. Would Josh be dead if Vickie was in charge? Would Josh have sent me off on that suicide mission the way I did him?
So far my decisions have been pretty uneven. Dumping a bowl of guacamole on Brad? Yeah, great way to inspire the troops. Coming out here unprepared, without making sure everyone had proper ID? Going into Cheriss's apartment without scanning for traps? Mind tricking half the Paris police force?
Sending Josh off, all alone, to be chased like a wild rabbit?
I've spent too much time wondering about the meaning of my life rather than focusing on the team and our mission. I've not been thinking through the present carefully enough because I've been too busy analyzing the past and worrying over philosophical questions. Because I've been distracted I've jumped from impulsiveness to arrogance to recklessness since this mission began. Those are bad enough qualities in a team member. In a team leader they're incredibly dangerous. I've got one person dead as it is. How many more of them will be hurt if I don't find that focus I've been lacking?
Does a person like me pray for clarity, or meditate to find focus?
Without realizing where I was going I found myself back at the apartment. I looked down at my watch and discovered I'd been running for half an hour. Suddenly I felt like even the Force couldn't keep me running any longer. For that matter, maybe it'd been the Force that brought me back here now.
As I took the elevator back up, I thought more about my last question to myself. How many more? Was I more of a danger to them in the state of mind I was in? Would they be better off without me for a little while? I knew of one Jedi technique that was supposed to help a Jedi focus their mind and find their balance. Something I'd been putting off for a long time. It would take quite a while, but I knew the team could handle itself for one day without me.
When I reached the apartment I went to the room I shared with Crispy - or had shared with him - and changed back into more comfortable shorts and a t-shirt. Then I removed a black velvet bag from amongst the personal items I'd packed for the mission. I untied the top of the bag and turned it upside down. A large, deep blue gem fell out into the palm of my hand. Mike had brought me this back from his last trip to Coruscant after I'd told him exactly what I was looking for. I quickly gathered the rest of the parts I'd need and placed them in the center of my bed.
I went back into the living room and found a pen and a pad of note paper. I lay down on the couch to write a note to the team. I'd probably have been better off sitting up, because as soon as I lay down my eyelids became very, very heavy.
I awoke sometime later, annoyed by having fallen asleep so quickly. Someone had come along and put a blanket over me as I slept. It was still dark outside so I assumed I must not have been asleep too long. Wanting to begin my project before the rest of the team awoke, I quickly finished the note and left it on the table for the others to find when they came in for breakfast.
With everything else ready, I returned to my room and closed the door. I settled cross legged in the middle of the bed and began to clear my mind of distractions. That was a great deal easier to do now, after getting some sleep, than it would have been earlier. When I was finally in a state of deep meditation, I reached out with the Force and pulled the blue gem into one hand and the pommel of my soon-to-be lightsaber into the other.