OpAr Spoof: Revenge

by Josh Nolan

The sun stood high in the azure sky over the Sahara, the heat shimmering off the dunes. No clouds broke the relentless radiance, no birds sang, even the wind was still. Silence reigned.

So when the jet-black landspeeder careened out of the sky and crashed into a sand dune, there was nothing to cover the jarring noise of the impact, or to conceal the plume of sand that was sent flying from the crash site.

Yarg emerged from the dune first, coughing and sputtering, cursing fluently in English at the brainless guffawing from within the crater. Finally, the source of the guffawing found its way out from the other side of the dune. "Whee! That wuz fun!"

Yarg stomped around to the source of the voice and slapped Nick soundly across his beaming face. <"You call that a landing?">

"Heheheheheh. We're here, aren't we?" replied the human as he shook himself free of the dune. "So where do we go now, Yarg, huh, huh?"

The Ewok grumbled, and pulled out a locator. <"Just give me a minute.">

"I'm Nick. I fly the speeder. It go boom."

<"I've got it,"> said Yarg, studiously ignoring the human. <"The co-ordinates are over that way."> He pointed, but sighed in resignation when the human started rapping himself on his head instead of paying attention.

"Gee, Yarg, my head's hard. What do you think it's made out of?"

<"I gave up trying to figure that out long ago,"> muttered Yarg, and then added, more loudly, <"We have to go that way."> Nick continued to knock on his skull, so the Ewok forcibly turned the human towards their destination.

"Oooh! Is that where Josh is? Josh my friend. He much smarter than me. Is that where he is, Yarg? Is that where he is?"

<"Yes, Nick, that's where he is.">

"I figured that out all by myself! That's why the call me Cleverdick."

Yarg cleared his throat, and corrected, "Clever Nick."

"What?"

"Clever Nick," repeated Yarg impatiently.

"Where?"

"You are Clever Nick."

"Oooooooh," Nick responded, his eyes gleaming with understanding. "I'm clever, am I?"

"No!"

"Then why do they -"

<"Let's go."> Yarg began pushing Nick towards their destination, grumbling under his breath.

"But Yaaaarg, why do they -"

<"Shush.">

Thankfully, Nick actually fell silent for a bit and walked for a minute or so before tripping over his untied shoelaces and plummeting down a sand dune to Yarg's right. The Ewok cursed again, and followed the human down the slope.

"Hey, Yarg, that wuz fun! Can we do that again? Whee!"

"No!" barked Yarg. <"We have work to do. We have to rescue Josh.">

"But can't we -"

"No!"

"I was just -"

"No!"

"It's only -"

"No!"

"You're no fun."

"No!" Yarg sighed. <"We should do this quickly. Now, I'm just going to check with Kristy how things are laid out around here.">

"I can do that. KRISTY! KRISTY!! YOO-HOO!"

Yarg pulled out a comlink, sighed, and tossed it to Nick. The human ignored it as it bounced off his face, and kept calling out at the blank, remorseless sky. Yarg scowled, picked up the comlink, and held it in front of Nick's face.

"KRISTY? IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, JUST SAY HELLO!!! KRISTY? What?"

<"Use the comlink, you fool.">

"Oh. Thanks, Yarg, you're so smart." Nick took the comlink off the Ewok and yelled, "KRISTY!" again.

<"Press the button before you speak, and there's no need to shout.">

"Which button?"

<"The one on the comlink.">

"What's a button doing on a comlink? How does it open?"

<"The kind of button you press,"> said Yarg through gritted teeth, in a tone of voice that had made a group of twenty enemy warriors once back down. Nick, however, was impervious, as he began to gnaw at the comlink.

<"NICK.">

"Wo'?", asked the human unintelligibly around the comlink.

<"Don't. Eat. The. Comlink. Press. The. Button. And. Talk. To. Kristy.">

Grudgingly, the human stopped snacking and pressed the button. "KRISTY!"

"No need to shout! Ow! What are you doing, Nick?"

"I'm lying down and talking to you! Isn't that cool?"

"Wonderful, Nick. What's going on down there?"

"Yarg was saying he should talk to you, and I figured out how to do it 'cos I'm so smart. They call me Clever Dick."

"But I figured out how to do it all by myself! I'm Nick! I fly the speeder!"

"Very good, Nick, but could you just..."

"I press the button on the comlink, and it works!"

"Yes, I see, but -"

"That's how I'm talking to you, you know. I'm not just yelling at you."

"Good, Nick, but..."

"It's like magic! I can talk and talk and - hey! Yarg! Can I have that back? Pleeeease?"

"No!" barked the Ewok, then turned away from the whining human. <"What's our situation, Kristy?">

"Thank you. Well, we seem to be clear. The ship's sensors are buttoned down pretty tightly, so there's not much chance that they'll see the strike team coming, as near as I can tell. Is the speeder ready to go?"

<"There's... a complication.">

"Nick was driving?"

<"Nick was driving.">

"I'm sorry."

<"I survived. But it may take a while to dig it out of where it is.">

"I'm pretty sure we'll be fine for the next few hours. I'll step up the pinging a bit."

<"Thank you. Do you think I'll be able to convince Nick to help me dig it out?">

"Tell him you'll give him some candy if he gets it out for you?"

<"Don't say that word so loudly... he might... oh, Sithspit.">

"What?"

<"He's... gone.">

"Sithspit."

<"My thoughts exactly.">

Nick wandered up to the camouflaged hull of the ship, and ran his hand over the surface. "Ooo, I wonder if they know their ship's all sandy? If I had a ship I'd never let it get all sandy, 'cos I'd take care of it and clean it. Josh says I'm good at cleaning. He gets me to clean things. I'm Nick. I fly the speeder."

During this monologue, he walked around the edge of the ship, running his hand along the side, until he encountered a hatchway. He knocked on it, burbling happily to himself about how much he enjoyed cleaning.

Eventually, the hatchway whirred open, and Nick interrupted himself with, "Hi! I'm Nick! I'm the stupidest person in the world! Did you know you're ship's sandy? I fly the speeder!"

There was the whine of a blaster, and a red bolt screamed out of the hatch to earth itself in Nick's chest. "Ooo!" he said. "That was shiny and pretty! I have something shiny and pretty too!"

As Nick fumbled around in his pockets, he was shot twice more, but he continued rummaging in blissful ignorance. Finally, he found what he was looking for, and pulled out a silver sphere. "Ooo! This is what I was looking for! Isn't it shiny and pretty? Look, it's got buttons on it! I can press buttons! I figured it out all by myself! I fly the speeder!"

Yarg waddled over the crest of the dune, just in time to see the thermal detonator explode. As secondary explosions touched off inside the ship, the Ewok slowed to a stop.

"Did... did what I just think happened, happen?" asked Kristy over the comlink.

<"I think so. Though don't ask me where he got the thermal detonator from.">

"You know, I'm not reading any lifesigns on that ship any more..."

<"I guess we didn't rescue Josh, then.">

"But on the plus side, we've gotten rid of Nick."

<"True. You have a real talent for finding the silver lining, you know that?">