I only ever wanted to help.
She was so full of rage, so scared and alone. I was trying to reach out to her, to let her know she didn't have to be a princess. Here, she could just be Leia. I thought she'd be happy with that.
Hang in there, the medtech says. The bacta's almost done. I had no say in coming here. They laugh at me, sometimes, when they think I can't tell. And now they're angry at me. At me. As if it's my fault. As if I deliberately went out there and provoked her. I could have told them she needed help. I would have, but they would have smiled at me and ignored me. Covering their contempt with politeness.
You begin to understand, he whispers. Compassion is a weakness, and for all their prattling they treat it as such. I shake my head, the bacta swirls, but I can't escape him. They hate you. They despise you. And you continue to be their lapdog. No wonder they can't stand you.
No, I try to tell him, leave me alone, but the breath mask falls away from my face and the bacta rushes down my throat. I start to choke, and he laughs. Outside, they scream and yell while I try to force the bacta out of my airways. Young fool, he sneers, you won't escape them that easily. It's you I want to escape, I try to scream, but the bacta mutes me, the last of my air bubbling up to the tank's surface.
I'm flying out of the tank, their unfeeling claws tossing me to splutter and cough on the ground, wretched and alone while they try to hide their laughter. Breathe easy, says one of them, as they come up to crouch near me, showing how clothed they are next to me. Easy for you to say, I gasp at him, and break into coughing to try to clear the last of the bacta from my lungs, to keep it from festering and plotting in the recesses of my body.
Are you feeling any better, one of them asks me. Is there any pain left.
He knows nothing of pain, except as how he inflicts it on others, he whispers. Be quiet, I tell him, and the man next to me recoils from me. What did I say, he asks. I don't want to hear it, I tell the man next to me, I never want to hear it but it never stops. My voice picks up volume and pace as I keep speaking. I hear them all, whispering their secrets, and I don't want to hear them, they never care, they just keep telling me and then I know and they hate me for knowing and they try to sabotage me but it can't work because if they sabotage me they sabotage themselves because I know their secrets so I am their secrets and they can't live without their secrets but they can't stand anyone else having them
(He's raving, one of them says. We need to sedate him before he hurts himself.)
so they try so hard to stop the secrets from becoming me but they can't help it and they hate it so they hate me so they hate themselves and it's all hate folding in on itself and eating itself and getting larger and larger and it's not supposed to work that way because conservation of mass states you can't eat yourself and get larger it doesn't work that way but it does I can feel it and it's like ice on my soul and I'm freezing
(Give in to it, he whispers, and what now freezes you will be the fire that warms your entire being. Embrace it.)
but when I try to thaw it and be kind to people they start to hate me too and the freezing begins again and it's so cold and the only way I can be warm is to cuddle up to people but they don't want me because they give me their secrets and it all goes round and round and larger and larger
(The power is unlimited, he whispers. Stang, would someone get the frelling hypo already someone else screams.)
it gets so large it crushes me and I can't breathe and they're on top of me get off me get off me I'm okay leave me alone no I don't want the spray I don't -
Blackness.
Do you begin to understand yet, weakling? Do you see how the universe truly works?
Go away, I'm supposed to be unconscious. Leave me in peace.
Peace? He laughs then, a truly unpleasant sound, like the sound of a murdered child's dying cough. Peace is a lie. There is only passion.
There is peace. I've felt it. I want to feel it again.
Fool! The only peace is death. Passion is how you know you're alive. Do you want to die?
Sometimes...
I can arrange it...
No! No, I don't want to die. Not from you! Not like that!
More laughter. You see? Passion. Only passion.
I hate you!
Good. You begin to understand.
But it's wrong! I want to make everyone feel happy!
Liar. You want that because you want to be happy yourself. And you are such a snivelling weakling that the only way you can gain your happiness is to lick it off the shoes of those around you. You must take happiness, youngling. Use your passions. Through passion, we gain strength.
But what do I need strength for? I just want to be left alone.
With strength, you can make them leave you alone. Life is a struggle, and only strength can bring victory.
But it's not a struggle! We can get through with co-operation - the Holonet told me!
The Holonet feeds comforting lies to the masses, like 'peace' and 'unity' - and they are lies, make no mistake, designed to keep them docile and compliant for the strong. In the end, we all stand with our own strength, against our own struggles, and win our own victories. Others may help, but should be discarded when of no further use. They would do the same in a heartbeat, their pretty words to the contrary.
No! No, it's right there, for all to see! The Rebellion overcame the Empire because of people working together, the people of the galaxy uniting their strength! And the Republic works to keep them together
There was a pause in that empty blackness, and I thought for a moment I could drift off. But then he spoke again.
But the Republic is failing. The victory each of them scored now leads each of them to claw for what they want. And they are tearing themselves apart. Through victory, they broke the chains that bound them together. Through victory, they broke the chains that held them back. Through victory, our chains are broken.
But how can I break my chains? How can I be free of this place? They bind me, they drug me, they laugh at me and hate me - I am only one person! Where is the victory for me?
The Force, youngling. The Force will set you free.
Yes... the Force...
Now you understand...
The Force will give me the power to be free...
...my young apprentice.
Please teach me... my Master.