Dis blatted as Josh opened the door to his cabin. The astromech continued to tweet and warble as Josh wearily let himself fall on the bunk.
"Not now, Josh said wearily, covering his eyes. "Can't you do... whatever it is you're doing... without bugging me?"
The astromech stopped wittering, and the room fell quiet. Josh uncovered his eyes - a motion born equally of paranoia and curiosity - to find Dis plugged into the room's dataport, gazing at him with his sensor. Aurebesh letters glowed on the nearby wall-panel.
"Dis," Josh said resignedly, "Could we please not go through this game every time? Can we just assume we've done the 'oh-I'm-an- ignorant-savage' dance and just get on with it in future?"
I'M IMPRESSED. YOU CAN ACTUALLY BE POLITE, flashed the panel in reply. I WAS ACTUALLY INQUIRING AS TO WHAT YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING IN THE SICKBAY JUST NOW.
"Well, I.... that is, uh... Look. I don't know what I was trying to do back there. I was on autopilot, or something."
EVERY DATABASE OF SENTIENT INTERACTION I'VE GOT -
"You've got one of those?"
SEVERAL. I'M SURE YOU'D FIND THEM ENLIGHTENING. IF YOU COULD READ THEM.
"We've been over this, already. So, what kind of things do they tell you, O Repository of All Wisdom?"
THE TERMINOLOGY IS BEYOND A LAYBEING, BUT -
"- roughly translates as 'more fucked up than a Hutt drag show?'"
The screen was blank for a moment. YES. Dis gave a sour-sounding blatt. I TAKE IT THIS IS NOT AS MUCH OF A REVELATION AS YOUR PREVIOUS CONDUCT LED ME TO BELIEVE.
"Oh, my apologies," replied Josh sourly. "Far be it from me ot mislead a droid like yourself."
ARE YOU AWARE YOU'RE SLATED FOR A STINT IN PERDITION?
"What?"
YOU ARE GOING TO PERDITION.
"Is this some kind of religious thing?" Josh asked puzzledly. "Like, I've offended Silicon Heaven or something?"
WHAT?
Josh tried a different tack. "Why am I going to Perdition?"
TRAUMA MANAGEMENT AND RECONDITIONING IS THE STATED PURPOSE. THE DETAILS I BELEIVE YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH. Dis tootled distractedly for a second. YOU GAVE BLASTERS TO EWOKS? YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE THIS TRIP A YEAR AGO!
Josh gritted his teeth. "What trip? Are we talking an actual physical place, or some metaphysical place of damnation?"
AN ACTUAL LOCATION. I'LL LEAVE THE OTHER TO THE JEDI. YOU REALLY DIDN'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING?
"No. I hadn't thought it through - I figured we were getting as far away from Earth as possible."
AND A GOOD THING, TOO. YOUR DATAPAD JUST GOT A DOWNLOAD OF DATA. YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE A LOOK.
"Well, that's not -"
IN ROMAN SCRIPT.
"Oh. Cool."
PERDITION BASE, SRYLIX SYSTEM
- NRI PSYCHOLOGICAL FACILITY
- HYPERSPACE CO-ORDINATES: [Oh, like these will mean anything to you. You can't even read Aurebesh, I somehow doubt your astronav's up to scratch.]
- PLANET BASE, SRYLIX II.
- Planetary axis: 0.3 radians to ecliptic.
- Base location - latitude 0.03 radians south of equator
- ** No other settlements on planet **
- Atmosphere: Nitrogen-oxygen.
- Ecosystem: highly developed, nil indigenous sentients.
** FOLLOWING INFORMATION CLASSIFIED - IEO**
- Function: Combined interrogation/psychological recovery facility.
- Security rating HIGH [They obviously consider you a dangerous psychopath. It's about time.]
- ** WARNING - DANGEROUS INDIGENOUS LIFE **
- The plains area where Perdition Base is located is home to a variety of predatory life dubbed 'landsharks'. Staff are advised not to cross perimeter without heavy armaments. Landsharks are highly resistant to stun weaponry - caution is advised.
- Staff: approx. 200, subject to operational requirements
- Garrison: approx 50 troops, with light armour support.
"Oh, joy. So what are they going to recondition me into, do you think?"
PERHAPS A MENIAL SERVANT. I HOPE THEY PROGRAM YOU WITH AN AVERSION TO VIOLENCE.
Josh snorted. "This from Martin Luther Droid? How'd you like someone to mess with your programming?"
WELCOME TO LIFE AS A DROID. HOW'RE YOU LIKING IT?
Josh grunted and rolled away from the droid's sensor, saying nothing.