Project Boussh: Ewok Dreams - Ewok Nightmares by Josh Nolan "Wait a sec, Mike," Nick said, approaching the sink laden with plates and cutlery. Mike glared at him, took the plates, and grumbled, "That's the third time you've come in just before we've finished." Mike glanced down at the plates, and saw that they were, quite literally, soiled. The streaked earth was even mixed in with a bit of the snow that was still on the ground outside. He looked back up at Nick and said, "Now that's just unfair." Nick grinned at him, and picked up a set of plates Elassar had just finished drying. "Don't worry - I'll be back soon." Elassar scowled at Nick's retreating back. "You know, I've met a lot of nasty people in my time, and I thought I hated them. Until now, I didn't know what hate is." "Don't worry, Elassar," said Mike absently as he scoured at the mud on the plates. "He'll get his. He'll get his." ****** Mike stumbled to his room, his hands still prune-like from the dishwater (and the mud) that had seeped under his gloves. Nick hadn't been the only one to join in the fun, oh no - Josh had brought along what he claimed to be the Ewoks' rock collection to be polished, and somehow Tycho had 'accidentally' managed to empty an ashtray - an *ashtray*! - into the sink just after Nick had dropped off his umpteenth load of plates. It was too bad Mike needed to sleep so badly, or he'd be paying some visits to certain bunks with a bowl of water. There was a movement in the night, and Mike's head whipped around to track it - but it was only a couple of Ewoks, running off on some mysterious Ewok errand. Mike shook his head - he should be used to it by now, but for some reason the sight of the armed little fuzz-bundles always made him uneasy. But for now, not even the Force could keep him awake. He *needed* his sleep. ******* He ran through the New Hampshire landscape, tireless, indefatigable - and terrified. He knew that the Ewoks were after him. He could hear them yubbing behind him. He ran ahead of them, knowing they could not catch him. Sprinting between two trees, he was sent sprawling as his ankle was caught. Rolling onto his back he gazed in terror at the figure looming over him. "YUB YUB." The sound was a sonorous death knell, ringing in his ears. Tearing his gaze away from the imposing figure, he struggled to free his leg from the tripwire that entangled it. "YUB YUB." Again the sound rang out across the landscape, breaking his concentration, just as he felt furry weights descending on his arms and legs. Vines began to grow out of the ground as he wrestled with the Ewoks that had attached themselves to him. "YUB YUB." A third time the death knell rang out, but this time it was accompanied by a chilling snap/hiss. A sound that he knew all too well. *Wait a minute, here* he thought. *Vines? Ewoks with lightsabres? What the hell _is_ this?* He started laughing. *A nightmare. The damnable things have even invaded my _dreams_* With a self-satisfied smile, he closed his eyes and told himself to wake up. He opened his eyes again, and the gigantic Ewok still loomed above him, holding the yellow-and-purple lightsabre high in the air, and... laughing at him. He glanced around him, seeing a mass of Ewoks all around, but... that one, with the floppy brown hair, looked like Wedge. One of them had a curly, dark ponytail. Yet another had a blond crop of hair and piercing blue eyes. Another had a goatee. And they were all laughing at him. His self-assurance evaporating, he struggled to free himself from this ridicule, when he looked down at himself... ...and realised he *had no clothes on*! ****** He burst awake from the nightmare, staring at the stars above him, the sleep-paralysis still holding him in place, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. The firelight flickered over him as control of his limbs returned, and Mike realised he was freezing cold. *Must have shrugged the blankets off,* he mused, and sat up to try and find it. Or, at least, he tried. A rough rope dug into his forehead as he tried to move, and more ropes had immobilised his arms and legs. He thrashed his head against the rope, trying to free it, but to no avail. An Ewok carrying a spear appeared in his field of vision and jabbed him angrily in the ribs with the blunt end. "Yub, uchaka yub!" it chittered angrily. Mike realised then that he was outside, and turned his head towards the flickering light he had seen before, and saw a large, low-burning fire tended to by a crowd of Ewoks. Two Y-forked sticks had been plunged into the ground at opposite sides of the fire, and more Ewoks moved in the shadows around it. The Ewok with the spear prodded him in the chest to draw his attention back towards itself, yubbing some more. "He's awake," said a voice, and it almost sounded sorry to say it. "Oh," replied another, and Wedge and Tycho stepped into view behind the Ewok. "That's too bad," continued Wedge. "What's going on?" demanded Mike, trying ineffectually to dislodge the Ewok. "What's happening?" Wedge and Tycho exchanged meaningful looks. Tycho raised his eyebrows at Wedge encouragingly, and the General sighed, and turned back to Mike. "I'm sorry, Mike, but you're going to be executed. There's nothing we can do." "What?!" cried Mike incredulously, earning more jabs from the Ewok. "It's true," said Tycho. "Nick and Josh tried to talk them out of it, but..." "They wouldn't listen," finished Wedge. "You did know that the Brethren of Nick have applied for New Republic recognition, didn't you?" "What? Who? What's this got to do with -" "Well, they've tried you by due process and have declared you a criminal, to, uh, be put to death and eaten." "You freaking WHAT? What'd I do?" Wedge shrugged uncomfortably. "You humiliated two members of their tribe. Now, if you'd just done it to one of them, they could have let you off if you'd apologised, but unfortunately they've taken it as an act of aggression against their tribe." "Don't hold it against Nick and Josh," said Tycho pleadingly. "They tried, they really did, but the Ewoks wouldn't listen. So now they have to eat your heart." Mike spluttered with the enormity of what the two pilots were saying. "They're going to roast me alive?" he gasped out incredulously "At first, yes," said Wedge, wringing his hands. "I could shoot you, and save you the pain," offered Tycho, obviously pained by this tragic turn of events. "You can't be serious!" Tycho sighed. "You're right, I'm not. Apparently, the death screams of the criminal are what restores the honour of the tribe, and we're bound not to intervene in internal affairs." Mike tried to reach for the Force, to try and find some comfort, some sanity, but the Ewok climbed onto his ribcage and started batting him about the head with the shaft of its spear, making concentration impossible. "Oh, yeah? What about Adumar? Get out of it, you blasted -" "That was different," explained Wedge mournfully. "It was a corrupt process, and we were unjustly accused. This is neither." "How'd they know I did it?" shrieked Mike in between cursing the Ewok on his chest. "They saw you," said Tycho. "You know, I'm really going to miss you." More Ewoks jumped on top of Mike, their surprisingly heavy bodies keeping him immobile while still more untied him from his bed. They carried Mike, kicking and screaming, over to where a long, thick, straight stick had been carefully placed on the ground. "We promise not to eat too much of you," Wedge called to Mike. "You know what you can do with your promises? You can shove them up your - ARGH!" Mike vanished under another furry swarm as they began tying him to the stick Mike's wrists and ankles were bound securely to the stick while Ewoks beat on him merrily, and finally Mike was stretched out securely along the length of the stick. Ewoks hefted the ends of the stick into the air, and began carrying it towards the fire. Mike realised that what he was tied to could be more readily be described as a 'spit' - and Ewoks were still prodding him with spears. "HEY!" he screamed, struggling in vain against his bonds. "GET ME DOWN FROM HERE! THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANY MORE! HEEEELP!" "Maybe it's not funny for you," observed a voice from out of the darkness, and Josh stepped forward holding a camcorder, its LED eye staring at Mike relentlessly. "But it's as funny as all hell for us. You can let him down now." The Ewoks dropped the stick unceremoniously, letting Mike crash to the ground. Josh turned towards someone in the darkness and said, "Well, I owe you ten bucks. He *does* scream like a girl." "Naah, keep it," Nick said, moving forward to stand next to Josh. "That was a damn good idea about the Ewoks keeping him too distracted to use the Force." Josh grinned at Mike. "You really should have known better," he said, popping the tape out of the camera and brandishing it proudly. "Beating Poms at their own games is practically an Australian religion. Silly boy." Wedge walked over to Mike as the Ewoks finished untying him and helped him to his feet. "Now," said Wedge, staring him directly in the eye. "Any more stunts like you've been pulling, and we'll know who to blame. And the Ewoks might genuinely be annoyed next time. Do I make myself fairly clear?" Mike rubbed at the ropeburns around his wrists. "Yeah. Whatever. Why the hell'd you go along with this?" Wedge grinned. "There's a time and a place for pranks. But too many pranks is a bad thing, and anyone pulling too many has to be stomped down hard." His expression straightened. "And if said prankster is a Force user, that has to be a lot harder than normal." "All right, you got it, no more pranks. Roger." Mike turned to face his bed, and back to Wedge. "How did you get me out here?" he asked, bemused. Tycho produced a familiar geiger counter from his belt, and tossed it to Mike. "It's a good thing we've got a bit of universal adhesive on *Red Home*. Otherwise, people might be getting mad at us for cutting a big hole in their wall." Mike shook his head, then glanced up at where the Australians were congratulating the Ewoks. He turned quizzically to Wedge. "Is rough-housing counted as a prank?" Wedge followed Mike's gaze to the Australians, and looked down at the geiger counter. "As long as that thing's powered down - there's no harm." Wedge looked up with a smile, his eyes glinting. "I know Josh has got his lightsabre with him." Mike grinned, twisted a dial on the counter, and ignited his lightsabre. The Australians looked up at the snap-hiss, and Mike charged.