Project Boussh: Coming To Terms
by Majick

    Mike sat and stared out over the lake. He sent stone after stone
skimming across the placid surface, watching as the ripples spread outwards,
merging, bouncing off the banks of the lake, fading away.
    'Lucky them,' Mike thought bitterly. The ride to Australia and then back
to the States had allowed him time to heal from the injuries he'd suffered
at the hands of Ambassador T'Cab and her little toys.
    He deeply wished he was still unconscious.
    Another stone flew outwards, skimming once, before plopping flatly into
the lake. Mike sighed and scrabbled in the dirt for a new stone to throw.

    Inside the cabin, chaos rained. While the gathering was serious in
nature, a party was needed to let off the tesnion of recent weeks. The New
Republic's finest were enjoying their reunion, while mingling with the AFW
team, who were taking the opportunity to meet up with each other, and their
heroes. It took a Jedi to notice the blackness not quite present at the meeting.
    Corran looked around, and caught Bror's eye.
    "Where's Mike? Shouldn't he still be resting?"
    Bror looked around the room, and shrugged. "Elassar did give him a clean
bill of health. I would assume he is outside, perhaps. He did mention he
feels awkward in big groups. I should think he wants the time alone,
anyway."
    Corran looked around as well, and the cluster of people surrounding him
made him think of the visit to Tattooine, and Gavin's family. He'd felt out
of place then, and had had Gavin's father, Jula Darklighter, bring him away
from the mourning he'd felt, and back into the welcoming arms of the
Darklighter clan. 'Perhaps Mike needs to be shown that what he needs, and
what he thinks he needs aren't necessarily the same.'
    Corran stood, and strode out the cabin, leaving the revelry behind him.

    Once outside, Corran stretched out with the Force, seeking to detect his
young comrade. The Terran's aura in the Force stood out darkly, almost jet
black against the surrounding browns and greens. He found him sitting on the
bank of the lake, and stood watching, as the young man flung stone after
stone at the water. Some bounced along the surface, others vanished beneath
the water.
    "That's a tough way to lay foundations for a base," he commented, as he
walked up to Mike.
    "Perhaps, but by the time I'm finished, I may feel better about what
lead me to this place," mike replied.
    "T'Cab's death?"
    "And the stormtroopers," Mike confirmed. "I've got blood on my hands.
I've killed... six people now, and how do I get over that? How do I go from
being student guy, to killer guy, back to student guy again?"
    "You don't," said Corran, as he sat beside Mike.
    "You go on, you tell yourself you killed for the right reasons, that the
people deserved to die. I can't think that T'Cab didn't deserve to die. She
was a ruthless, cold hearted woman. At the very least, she was guilty of
kidnapping, unlawful imprisonment, torturing you, and being an accessory to
the murder of dozens of people in the Democrat building when it was bombed."
    "But, even if she did deserve to die, why did I have to kill her? Why
not Bror, or Shalla?"
    "Mike, sometimes these things happen," Corran said. He picked up a
stone, and skimmed it across the lake.
    "You had a gun, and T'Cab was in your sights. In that situation, many
people would have done the same thing. Josh and Nick are in the cabin, they
killed lot's of Imperials in their assaults on two bases. Vickie shot down
TIE Fighters in orbit. Every one of the Rogues and Wraiths has kills to
their name. Sometimes it's necessary to kill."
    "But not T'Cab! The stormtroopers, maybe, and I was so pumped full of
adrenaline, I don't think I could not have killed them." He pause to analyse
his last statement. "Yeah. But T'Cab? I didn't have to kill her. I could
have gone for a stun bolt, like Iella and Elscol when they had Vorru in
front of them on Thyferra. They used a stunbolt."
    "You weren't in your right mind, though," Corran objected.
    "Who ever is? I had a hard day, I had to stand on the way into work, I
stubbed my toe, I had a flat tyre.... It's just excuses. I killed someone...
no, I murdered someone, and I don't know how I can live with that.!"
    "Because if you don't, you diminish what you've achieved," a new voice
spoke up. Corran and Mike looked around, to see Dia Passik sitting on a tree
trunk behind them.
    "Mike, I've heard nothing but good things about your conduct on this
mission. I've spoken to Shalla, and she suggested I speak to you. If Jedi
Horn is alright with the idea, I'd like to share my views on death with
you."
    "By all means, Dia. Please, carry on."
    Dia inclined her head slightly to Corran, then looked straight into
Mike's eyes.
    "Early in my career with the Wraith's, I suffered a nervous breakdown of
sorts. It wasn't fun, I assure you. Rather, I came very close to death, as
what I had become, clashed violently with who I had always wanted to be,
much as it is in you now."
    As Dia spoke, her lekku twisted behind her back, twirling around each
other, as her fingers knotted themselves in her lap.
    "I had my friends bring me back. They assured me that who I was wasn't a
bad person, merely because I'd done some unsavoury things. Rather, my
intentions were the important thing. I desecrated Castin's body to save the
rest of my team, as you know, and from there, I devoted myself to bringing
to justice the people who murdered him.
    "T'Cab was guilty of murder, at the Democrat building, and probably when
her lover took control of Mendellia. You have to realise that, in shooting
her, you've saved lives in the future."
    "But that's not why I shot her!" Mike said, loudly. "It wasn't justice I
was after, not for her previous victims. I didn't shoot her to stop her
killing in the future. I shot her because I wanted her to know that I beat
her. I wouldn't let her break me. I wouldn't let her get the information on
the mission."
    "So," Corran said. "You were pointing the blaster at her, did you mean
to kill her? Or did you mean to stop her? She was pointing a gun at you."
    "I... I know. But that doesn't matter. I would have shot her, I think,
no matter what. I wanted her gone. I would have done anything to stop her
taunting me. And then, when she pulled a gun on us, that just gave me an
excuse."
    "Elassar drew on T'Cab after your first shot, did you know that?" Dia
asked. "He would have shot her, had you not. He'd decided that she had to
die. He was prepared to shoot her, in order that she wouldn't endanger the
mission. Just as you said you did."
    "But I was selfish. I wanted her dead, not just for the mission, but for
me, too. I didn't want her-"
    "Mike," Corran said. "Listen to us. You may have killed her to beat her,
but you killed her for the mission as well, and I think you have to focus on
that."
    "How do you cope? When you kill someone, Corran, you can feel it through
the Force."
    "Yes, and when I kill someone, I know they have taken the same risks I
have, by stepping into a fighter, or pulling a gun on me, they accept the
risk of being killed. As T'Cab did. She would have killed you all, and you
know that. You had to kill her, regardless of how you felt about her. You
couldn't guarantee she wouldn't kill someone, and that's the way I was
always trained in CorSec."
    "I know that, I do, but I still fell terrible about it. Not just T'Cab,
but the stormtroopers. I've killed, and it's changed me, and I don't like
having killed. But, as you say, I killed the stormtroopers to save me and
Elassar. I can live with that, it was us or them. Elassar told me their
blaster were set to kill. I don't like it, but, as you say, they took the
risk.
    "T'Cab... I killed her, and even if it was the right thing to do," he
nodded at Dia and Corran. "The thing is, I did it and I enjoyed killing her.
Not saving the mission, not saving my team, killing her made me feel better
than her."
    "Of course it did," Dia said, surprising Mike. "You took satisfaction
from the death of an enemy, as we all do. You've proved yourself better in
combat. It's not surprising you felt a sense of superiority. How did you
feel when you woke up from your collapse?"
    "Horrible."
    "Because?"
    "Because, I'd taken a life."
    "Is that all?"
    "Well... yes."
    "And the rest of your guilt? The feeling of superiority? Selfishness?
Satisfaction? When did you start feeling them?"
    "Well, since I woke up here, after being in the bacta tank."
    "Everyone feels like that," Corran said. "If we dwell on our kills, we
assign all sorts of negative feelings to them. It is easy to feel you are
falling into the Dark Side, Jedi or not. I think you are suffering more from
thinking too much, rather than being a cold blooded killer."
    "Really, Mike, you aren't suddenly taking T'Cab's place as a killer,"
Dia said. "You don't have the experience or training to cope with what
you've done, it's true, but we're all here to help you. You just have to
reach out to us all."
    Mike looked out over the lake once again. He picked up a stone, and
skimmed it smoothly over the lake, eventually landing it against the far
bank. He looked around again at Corran and Dia.
    "So, there's a party going on in the cabin?"
    Corran nodded.
    "Is anyone playing music? I mean, off CD's or tapes or anything."
    "No, we have none. It's mainly talking and eating," Dia said.
    "Can't have a party without music," Mike noted. " As a DJ, I can tell
you that. Is Whistler doing anything? I think I can get the party swinging,
with a little help from my friends."
    The three comrades stood, and walked back towards the cabin, as Mike
explained to Corran why Napster really wasn't illegal.